Even salt looks like sugar.

Wow. What a year this year has been. So much has happened, there is so much to say… but I also do not have all the words to express the emotional rollercoaster 2020 has been.

I may not be the best with words, but I am very careful with the words I choose to express myself. It takes a lot for me to put words to paper, and keep in mind I only write when something significant has occurred in my life. 99% of the time, it is negative.

I do not intend to spill the tea on everything that has happened this year here, because I understand that words will be twisted, experiences distorted and interpretations challenged. Instead, I will release a little of my emotional baggage on this page. Just a little, not everything.

You know how there is a saying that says you should always be grateful of the toughest experiences you endure because it teaches you the greatest life lessons? I have always firmly believed in this statement, and I still will.

I always will.

But there is no denying that these next few sentences also ring true this time: I wish I could erase 2020 completely out of my history. No one warned me I would go through this much pain, heartbreak and trauma. No one warned me that I would have my whole life torn apart repeatedly throughout the year, and that all I would be doing would be picking up the pieces, stepping on a few and shattering them further, and forcing myself to continue walking forwards with shards of glass piercing the soles of my feet.

You will be surprised how many people are out there that see no wrongdoing in themselves, and just as many people out there trying to figure out every little thing they had done wrong and turning all the blame onto themselves. There are many people in this world who are arrogant and narcissistic, but there are also many who are humble and selfless. Deep down, I believe there is an element of good in everyone, but in some people, it requires a little more nurturing and caress to be revealed.

I will still smile when I see you, I will still wave and greet you if I walk by you. I will still ask you about your day, I will still congratulate you for your achievements. I will still laugh my usual cackling/maniacal/raucous laugh, I will still smile when your name gets brought up in conversations, I will still feign interest in the unexpected updates I receive about you.

But I think people forget how deceiving a smile can be. If you are perceptive enough, you may notice the slight croak in the laughter, the accidental tear shed from “excessive yawning”, the nervous fiddling of the ear lobe or the clenched fists behind a tensed back. I know I am not alone in burying the pain I go through every day deep inside me, and I sincerely hope that everyone else is able to realise that the people around them are all fighting their own internal battles as well.

To all the people who have received teary 2am phone calls from me, to those who have given me the shoulder to cry on, to those who have had to put up with my self-hate speech, thank you. Truly, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You were there for me when I lost trust in everyone around me, you believed in me when I was scared of myself. Tolerating me has been tough, and I have tried my best to limit how much I annoy you (but failed miserably), so thank you a million times over.

If life is a character arc, then 2020 was the nadir. In a utopian society, I would have hoped that every day I am able to move one step forwards with life and one step away from toxicity. Instead, my only goal now is to put one foot in front of the other and smile. The road to healing will be a long one.